A good man said "If you're feeling dead, you gotta find a way to be alive."
I’ve finally realized over the course of the past week that I’ve given more than my whole heart to two boys, and neither of them have bothered to do anything with it. I would ask for it back from both of them, but I’m sure they don’t realize they even have it. They might, but it doesn’t feel like they care. Nothing with either of these two gentleman can ever be easy for me, it’s just never worked out that way. I’ll curl up into a suffocated ball of silent misery over both of these boys, not knowing which one to let go of, when I should be letting go of both. I just don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to live my life without them. No one else has come along to show me that neither of these boys are the one for me, which makes it a million times worse. (Even the boys themselves.) I wish someone would. Neither of these boys want me, they’ve shown that to me each in their own ways. I wish all of this would stop. I wish I hadn’t gotten so far gone over each of them. I’ve fucked myself over time after time because of them, and God please just tell me what the deal is because I can’t figure it out on my own and it’s ruining my life. I can’t keep doing this to myself.

I’ve finally realized over the course of the past week that I’ve given more than my whole heart to two boys, and neither of them have bothered to do anything with it.

I would ask for it back from both of them, but I’m sure they don’t realize they even have it. They might, but it doesn’t feel like they care. Nothing with either of these two gentleman can ever be easy for me, it’s just never worked out that way.

I’ll curl up into a suffocated ball of silent misery over both of these boys, not knowing which one to let go of, when I should be letting go of both. I just don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to live my life without them.

No one else has come along to show me that neither of these boys are the one for me, which makes it a million times worse. (Even the boys themselves.) I wish someone would. Neither of these boys want me, they’ve shown that to me each in their own ways.

I wish all of this would stop. I wish I hadn’t gotten so far gone over each of them. I’ve fucked myself over time after time because of them, and God please just tell me what the deal is because I can’t figure it out on my own and it’s ruining my life.

I can’t keep doing this to myself.

(Source: theskinnyartist, via bluemoondreams)

The reality of the desires of my heart are suffocating me.

I’m sitting in church, silently suffocating on the inside while I think about everything I want and how it’s not pleasing to God.

Sincerely, I wish that I could figure out why I’m still holding onto V in my heart so strongly when he’s not around. He’s far away and I’m holding onto the memory of him, holding onto the him that’s in my heart. The real V and the av that’s in my heart have become two different people.

The sermon at church today is about relational reconciliation and talking about heavy hearts and making peace with ourselves and others. OH THE IRONY.

My heart is strained, the oxygen gone from my lungs while I sit here silently wiping away stray tears. I get to see V in two weeks when he comes back, and I can’t handle it. I’m so scared. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I’m going to get hurt by seeing him, I already know.

I’m so scared and overwhelmed and I wish everything was different.

This feels appropriate for my life right now.

(Source: Spotify)

dimestorepoet:

do you ever take a step back and realise you’re nothing like the person you want to be

(via callagham)